The __ State of the __ Mind

As I typically do at the end of each day, I walked down the hill last evening to find something for dinner at the market.

You would have thought I was trying to buy a condominium.

Office Desk - SF (artwork by A Munoz)

Office Desk - SF (artwork by A Munoz)

Let them eat __ ?

I stood at the meat counter and looked at every fleshy red slab of fresh meat. Although made inviting by lighting and sprigs of bulbous parsley, the meat itself seemed too spry for my state of being. Too free range, too reminiscent of happy little animals bouncing about the green Sonoma hillsides. It begged attention and careful preparation; my mind, by contrast, was sated with too much paying the rent.

Something simple, came the instruction. Keep it simple.

Cow in the grass - Sonoma, 2003An adjacent glass case was filled with numerous selections of house-made sausages, pressed and filled by hand there on the butcher block, all of them lined up in enticing rows. They beckoned. Mild Italian. Hot Italian. Chicken mango. Andouille. Cilantro-onion-pepper…

“Does this one have meat?” I asked.

“We don’t have vegetarian sausage,” answered the surly little butcher in his perfectly white apron. I won’t mention his name or describe him further; he works with sharp knives for a living and is doubtless adept at slipping a weighted thumb upon the meat scale when you’re not looking.

Rogue little napoleonic butcher.

I tell him I’m not ready and he should move along, go help somebody else. I will wait for the butcher I like: the one who laughs at my jokes. The one who doesn’t have a relative buried in his backyard or a restraining order against him.

Loaves and fishes

Adjacent to the sausages lie the pre-made goods: alimentation for the hurried. Pre-packaged, pre-sauteed, pre-herbified and tenderized chicken breasts…

I’ll pass.

Same for the meatballs doused in a flour-like substance. And the rolled fillet so stuffed to overwhelming with spinach and god knows what else that it wanted to belch on its own, never mind its unlucky ingestor.

Further down the line, opposite the fresh bread racks: Fish. It sounded a novel option, given that we’d had steak the night before. I stood before the case, my mouth agape to match the droll look on the faces of the whole fishes on ice. I muddled over my confusion regarding the pluralization of a certain fish: I always thought the name was Branzino, but here they rendered it Branzini. There were 4 of them – 4 individual branzino, in my book. Would they change the sign back to singular when there was only 1 left in the case? And what of the other fish – how come they were labeled in the singular and not as Cods, Halibuts, Salmons, Shrimps…?

And on the 8th day God created wine.

When befuddled by indecision, and when inspiration has not so much fled as evaporated, one can often find guidance in the grape.

As a youth my preference was Chivas and cigarettes but I’ve since graduated – magna cum laude, mind you – to an appreciation for the liquid renderings of those tiny jewel-like beads of sweetness, their flesh a virgin green or virulent maroon – the timid one and the handsome abductor – their output the renderer of nighttime dreams. Long, languid, storytelling dreams.

Así fue.

Onward to Jesus Swede and the Junior Consultant from Cleveland.

Work, (Un)Interrupted

Kona Village 2009

Kona Village 2009

Christmas came early and it arrived in Kona. The Kona Village Resort » – which normally costs an arm and a leg – offers an annual Kama’aina special for locals in early December: about half off on lodging and food, plus discounted tickets for the Christmas at Kona food and wine benefit. All the rooms are stand-alone huts built along the seaside and the 1800 Hualalai lava flow with meandering paths connecting them. You carry no cash or cell phones; everything is charged to your room. It’s wonderful.

Learning to unplug

There was client work to be done that weekend. But more importantly there was a weekend of no interruptions that had to be had. Naturally there was residual angst at leaving things undone and going away; deadlines are always front of mind – a cerebral drudgery; druggery; disruption. However, at Kona Village life is unplugged and unpretentious. So for about 48 hours Living interrupted Work for a change. And it felt damn good.

The undone

We always return to find things undone. It is one of those inevitabilities. We create these inevitabilities by the demands we make on ourselves to enjoy a certain kind of life, to carve our proverbial beds out of dreams and lay in them before the sun goes down. Without ambitions we’d all be hermits in the woods. With them we always seem just a little bit….

Downstairs - Dec 2009

Downstairs - Dec 2009

…Crazy

“Why would you complain about something you created?” asked Gary B as he’s cutting my hair. “That’s crazy. That doesn’t make any sense.”

And yet I find a way to do it.

What I do complain about: Paying the Rent. To quote Emily in Hugo: “Nobody pays us to find our artistic souls.”

I wish somebody would pay me to finish the 2nd draft of Hugo; to start on Pearl St; to move on to the long list of other books that lie in digital scraps, on paper, in outlines, zipped up in corners of my brain undone. But they don’t. This is what I have chosen. This is the life I have created.

What I don’t complain about: The Rejections. They are an immutable aspect of my work. 4Q2009 rounded out with the last of 4 outstanding rejections.

  • Ploughshares – Ravenous
  • The Kenyon Review – Dearth of Ecstasy
  • Zoetrope – Rapture
  • Zyzzyva – Rapture

(1 holdout remains: an online journal that was reading but has again suspended submissions)

Capture the light…

I read recently in the WSJ that an unsolicited manuscript has a .008% chance » of getting published in the Paris Review. In spite of these ridiculous odds you simply have to continue to work, to capture the light while it’s still inside or surrounding you.

Planting around the o'hia trees

Planting around the o'hia trees

And if you’re lucky, you get to do it all again the next day…

Puna Sunrise - Jan 2010

Puna Sunrise - Jan 2010

The Novelist’s Due – #7

Rapture

After picking up the latest rejection from my PO box this afternoon, for Rapture, I stopped into the Body Shop on Union Square to get some shaving cream. There were two chicks and a big bad ass security guard hanging out at the front door. Slow day…?

rejection: new yorker, oct 2009 - Rapture

rejection: new yorker, oct 2009 - Rapture

I was still slightly reeling with delight that my rejection slip actually had a human being’s scrawl on it: “Thanks for the read” it said—my god, the electrons of a living body transmogrified through an inkpen into the manifestation of a sentiment…Body shock.

Then I went into that cursed store.

Of course I knew what I wanted and I wasn’t there for idle chit-chat or to run up my bill, so I grabbed a container of Maca Root shaving cream (shameless, almost unworthy plug) and turned circles looking for the register so I could pay. Just then a sales clerk appeared in my face: Those are on sale. Buy two get one free.

This one will last me an eternity, I told her.

So get something else. Moisturizer, facial cream…they’ll last for three years and you don’t have to come in next time you run out. Stock up. Get two or three. Why not.

This is all I want.

Judging from the disgruntled look on her face she didn’t comprehend the notion that I only wanted 1 of something. I’ll help you over here, she said in a surly tone. She headed toward a cash register in the corner of the room. She was still talking. I ignored every word until the brusque, rapid, “Got your birthday buyer card?” (Or whatever it’s called.)

No, I don’t.

When’s your birthday?

I don’t want one.

Your birthday month you get 10% off every purchase. Even if you don’t have—.

I left it at home. I’ll live without it this time. Thanks.

Through some divine intervention she took my 20 and gave me change: Want a bag?

Sure.

You can keep everything in it, she said (ie hate mail from the bill collectors and my latest rejection).

Thoughtful, I told her. Thanks. Seriously. Thanks.

Where Rapture ends a Ravenous desire kicks in

When I got home and filed the rejection for Rapture in my folder I realized I’d been clinging to another rejection, unsure of how to package it. It wasn’t a difficult one; it came over a month ago, just as we were in Honolulu changing planes to head home to SF. It was the Esquire fiction contest. Ravenous. No go. Not even the finals.

What is it about a disgruntled 80 year old lethargic that editors find so unappealing? Truth is mighty and it comes in unexpected packages.

Like shave cream in an ultraviolet light-resistant, dark green plastic shopping bag??